Recently (by which I mean today), I was wondering what caused me to start posting things here. I originally created my
Agrican account so I could anonymously submit various things I had written to a critiquing site. I discovered that you could write the most useless drivel and people would still say that they liked it. Despite the aforementioned site's drawbacks I began to notice when I
committed my actual fictionalized thoughts to a written format, I
received much more
in depth feedback then when I wrote something completely fictional.
In a roundabout way I one day came across a blog started by a friend of mine and through that and the various other wonders of the interweb, happened upon the blogs of several other people I knew, had met, heard of, seen once at a party/assembly/meeting. Guiltily I began to read them, and learned things about these people that I did not know, and never even suspected.
Eventually I read a post that I really wanted to comment on. I could have checked the box that would have let me submit my comment anonymously but decided instead to use my pseudonym. I liked the idea that while anonymous I would still have an identity, regardless of the fact there was nothing for anyone to colour it in with.
One of her
posts was the result of one of those annoying (at least I find them annoying)
internet games that seem to appear from time to time and make the rounds eventually winding up in
everyone's in inbox after being forwarded for the 42
ndth time. I had already done the quiz and feeling a little devious I decided to share my own
results.
Somehow this innocuous action led me to begin to post other items. I wasn't really expecting anyone to read them, just liked the idea of someone I knew maybe seeing them. Almost immediately I started getting emails from people who I knew well or hardly at all demanding to know who I was or asking "is this you _______?" This has affected me to such an extent that I scrutinize each post to make sure that there is nothing that can point back to me. Even in my day to day conversations with people that I know or suspect may have read something I wrote I watch what I'm saying, careful not to state anything that could possibly link me to a comment I made on another blog or wrote on this one. I will even keep silent on entire topics or subjects that I feel passionately about out of fear that someone might somehow link it back to me.
I have become obsessed with maintaining my anonymity, not because I enjoy it but because I don't want to be judged on my attempts at creativity. This is ludicrous I know. In every other aspect of my life I am the epitome of confidence, if I want to do something I just do it yet to this I cannot commit.
